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A Morning View From the Wood Stove

Are you a fixer? Do you battle to make everything better? Have you heard yourself say I messed up and all I want to do is make everything alright? Have you hurt someone unintentionally, created pain and separation and just want everything to heal and be good? Have you told yourself lies that you are the cause of failure? Perhaps even thinking a life do-over would fix everything and make it all better. 

Does doubt and fear drive your response? Why? Day by day I am learning the answer. I grew up "fawning" or in a different term, being a people pleasure. Because of my home environment, my self worth was found seeking approval and doing all I could to gain approval and praise. So what do I do now? I repeat the same sins of my life. Sin? You mean approval and trying to make everything good is a sin? The answer is yes when it is all about a selfish me. As a man who goes by Bill at 60 years and 4 months of age, I am taking inventory of the boy named "Billy" (please call me Bill) who worked so hard for approval that he never truly recognized who he was in who God created him to be. So he has spent a lot of time hurting others along the way who intend God's best for him. For that, I repent. All I can do is repent, be a vessel of agape and watch God. 

In the midst of the struggle I ask God a lot of questions. I read the passage of scripture the Holy Spirit has brought me to today. I have always read this thinking how stupid the Israelites were with all of their questions. As I read this I put myself and my circumstances into their questions in the verses below and I realized that calling them "stupid" was essentially calling myself "stupid" because I have seen and experienced the glory of God as the Israelites have. I have been blessed to see and be a part of miracles. I have been blessed with people who love me and I push them away trying too hard to win them over. God has seen the gifts in me to call me as pastor. All I do is question everything like the Israelites, even using some of the same phrases to fit my circumstance. I could go on and on with what "stupid" continues to do and guess what happens when I live this way? I fulfill every fear and plow the soil for every fear to germinate and grow. How "stupid" is that? 

Guess what? The Israelites were not "stupid." You are not "stupid" for your shortcomings and sin. Today I realize that I am not "stupid" either. (I pause to wipe tears away) The Israelites were God's chosen people headed to the promised land. You are a child of God headed to the promised land. I am a child of God, loved by God, called by God who just needs to trust the God who delivered those God passionately loved from Pharaoh's army. 

“As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord, and they said to Moses, Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness! But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” - Exodus 14:10-14 NLT

Today I begin to just stand and watch the Lord rescue me as the Lord fights for me. I am calm and I am not "stupid," I am a chosen child of God. Join me. Watch and see, just stay calm!
Peace,
PB 

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