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A Morning View From the Wood Stove

Disclaimer: Please do not panic reading this today. I proof read this and think this disclaimer is important! I alright not being alright. I am just being vulnerable because the Spirit nudged me, actually the Spirit hammered me to be vulnerable. We all struggle with things and anyone who says they do not has the problem of not having struggles. Yes, you can try to read between the lines. DON'T! I have a lot of growing to do, but please believe me, today I am better than yesterday and tomorrow I will continue to grow. I am on a journey. My desire is to challenge all of our hearts, mine first, to survive calmly and peacefully in the storm. (Something which is difficult for me.) 

I AM SELFISH. 

No, I do not want material things. No I do not care if I get one Christmas gift. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely embrace and appreciate the generosity and am filled with joy when remembered by others and embrace the heart behind the giving of the gift, but material things are material things and will fade. The gifts I receive connect me to the heart of the giver. I also love to give. Giving is a love language for me and it fills my soul while giving me purpose and joy. But it is the heart of relationship which means so much to me. I have wounded too many hearts and damaged many relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love getting "stuff" but nothing is more important to me than being the person God created me to be for "you."

The desire of my heart is to go back and make everything alright. FIX it. I am selfish because I have hurt "you." (There are too many of "you" to mention by name who can fill in the blank of who "you" are in the previous statement.) The worst part is we do not get life do overs. I am 60 years old and the struggle goes way back to when I was young. I have said and done things I am not proud of which have created a lot of pain for others. I am responsible for a lot of pain. I say this recognizing I am also responsible for a lot of difference making as well, but the failure stares me in the face, while I appreciate and embrace the good results of who I am created to be by God. The success drives me to give glory to God because of alignment with God, those are the intended results. The failures happen solely because of me and I do not know what to do to stop and fix them. God has forgiven me, but the God in "you" perhaps has not. 

I selfishly seek approval, affirmation and that I am making a difference especially to those I have hurt. I do receive much from many of you and recognize, receive and embrace it, but because I yearn to repair the deep wounds I have created "you" I keep ripping off the scab of healing. My heart desires it to all be good. When it is good and I am doing better, the enemy reminds me of all the pain and hurt I am responsible for. So I try to do all I can to make up for it and fail because I am trying too hard to fix something I am not able to fix. Remember, life do overs do not happen, so I blame me and sit in my hurt with the pain I have caused which actually hurts others and becomes counter productive. But I still seek selfishly because I selflessly want peace in repair and everything to be alright. 

I have a love-hate relationship with the Christmas movie, "It's A Wonderful Life." Have you ever asked God "why was I ever born?" I have, recently, I have often asked that question. George Bailey received a gift of seeing what life would have been like if he had never been born. I cry at the end because George understands his gift. A gift offered to all of us. I also cry at the end because of the pain I have caused others my whole life and do not deserve what George received. 

You may be asking, "Hey Pastor Bill, where is God? Where is your faith and why do you not practice what you preach? Great question, which I ask myself often, even to the point of questioning my call. Truthfully, though, I am as good with God as I have been in a long time even in the difficult. But being good with God does not mean we are good with ourselves. I love God and am learning and growing. When I look at the greatest commandment, I do love God with most all my heart and I am able to humanly love my neighbor with continued need for improvement necessary. Where I struggle, even in positive growth, is loving myself. I said earlier that I love God with most of my heart and what I mean by most is God loves me passionately and I cannot. I hold onto that part of my love for God. I do love "you" all and am flopping like a fish out of water trying to swim.

So God is good and I give thanks. I am doing better and I give thanks. I have a very long journey and I am afraid of hurting "you" all more. The goodness of all of "you" in my life brings me joy, the best gift ever. The pain I have caused "you" destroys my heart. I do sit and wonder, but I try to sit with God. 

“Then Job replied to the Lord: “I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’ I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.” - Job 42:1-6 NLT

Where is God you ask? Sitting in the ashes with me. Do you see God sitting with "you" ???

Peace?
PB 

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